GOP Black Friday Sale

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.


Went to the GOP Black Friday Sale couple weeks back and got caught in a stampede. Glad that I am back home alive.  Here is a sample of what was on sale. Sincerely hoping you are as eager as me.


To start with, aisle one had a stall selling ever popular Romney flip flops. Of course this has been on sale for quite some time now. Omnipresent, always on sale but somehow not seeing anyone wearing it. One wonders why!


Stall two on aisle one keeps changing. In Harry Potter terms, we could call it the room of non requirement. For a while Ms. Bachmann was selling coupons for free gay therapy sessions. Then she started selling vaccines too. When Perry started selling dope on the side, Ms. Bachmann sales came plummeting down. Lately I heard she has been selling Romney flip flops undercover. 


For a while stall two was occupied by Perry. He was selling dope legally. How you ask. Well, there is this clause in GOP rule book. Call a task legal, illegal, moral, immoral, ethical, unethical. Doesn't matter. If it is done by a "conservative" it is always correct. Sad to hear that Mr. Perry succumbed to his own dope few weeks back.  


When Perry was under dope, the stall got occupied by Cain. The stall was selling 999. No body knew till date what it is. But for some unknown reasons the stall was always occupied by middle aged women crying and screaming. Customers waiting outside the stall felt that they were missing the action and started moving to other stalls. 


Lately that stall has been occupied by Multi-millionaire, multi-wifenaire, multi-ideanaire, multi throatenaire, multi-taskinaire Gingrich the great. I call his stall the magic stall. You ask why. Well, there is literally nothing on sale, but the stall is super popular. All I saw in the stall was a single chair in the middle of an otherwise empty stall, and a huge guy sitting there screaming and shouting at whoever that takes a picture of him or ask him a question. I think he is like a three headed guard dog protecting something special. No wonder the stall is currently the popular attraction in the sale.


Aisle two had some fantastic stalls including Huntsman gooey gooey Ketchups and Santorum's ethical marriage promoting porn shops. But then I was already suffering from extreme brain saturation. 


I am 100% sure I am forgetting something...err someone..please give me a minute. I keep remembering someone standing beside me rambling, complaining about everything, telling how everything has to change, everyone has to change. I am very sure, because my right ear was totally wet from he spitting constantly. He even hit me couple of times on my butt with his cane for not paying attention. Should be some school principal who was visiting the sale I guess. 

Sibal's Utopia

Context:

India's IT and communication minister Kapil Sibal wants companies like Facebook, Google, Yahoo to have employees (live persons) monitoring their websites for "defamatory, violence inciting, derogatory, offensive remarks/content".

Say whatever you want, but I totally agree with Mr. Sibal. Man, he is some genius. He follows the basic scientific solution that suggests that, always fix the root cause rather than trying to solve the symptoms or outcomes.

Now that Mr. Sibal has come up with such a bold altruistic solution which can be even termed self sacrificing to an extent, I think we should help him. Co'mon let us not be biased. Didn't everyone pitch in to occupy New Delhi when Mr. Anna Hazare fought against corruption. How different is this then? Sadly, I am living in US and I can only give ideas rather than be a part of Sibal movement.

I think we should start by banning religion, if Facebook and Google, some mere private companies can have resources to live check all profiles, a country with billion people, we should definitely be able to enforce it. And yea, no religion means no communal riots, no Ayodhya movement, no Babri masjid demolition, no terrorist attacks. And think about all the land that we can acquire by destroying the places of worship. I am sure Mr. Sibal and others in congress would love to invest the billions and odd money that came from the 2G scam invested worthwhile.

How about castrating everyone in India? Isnt that the root cause of the population problem. Man, that means Aadhar  (unique ID program) can be implemented far easily. I am sure Nanden Nilekeni would love that. Also, less population means more food, less inflation, wont this be just fantastic? Fixing the root cause, isn't that what this is all about? Thats exactly what we are doing here. Going in search of the root, into pants and panties.

Now by implementing these ideas, we have reached a utopia already. But for genius of Sibal's calibre nothing is perfect. How about banning sex? You ask why? Well, that means no heterosexuals, homosexuals, transexuals. No gay rights, lesbian rights, bisexual rights to fight for. Civil unions or marriage or live in who cares. Perfect.

Wow, all I did was put myself in Mr. Sibal's shoes for few minutes and brilliant brilliant ideas are oozing out everywhere dripping around me. Mr. Sibal you have shown me the door towards enlightenment. Please consider me as your fan, and if you think I am worth it, please hire me as your secretary. Together we can change the world.

But wait a minute, first come first, before implementing all these ideas, we should do something. Let us make life easy for ourselves first. I know, I know Mr. Anna Hazare has been a real pain in the *ss for you for a while now. Let us make him jobless first. How you ask. Let us ban Congress Party, that means no corruption, no nepotism, no political crooks, no spine less prime ministers and yay, yippee, hurray no Gandhis. Oops, that is going to be problem isn't it? Shooting up yourself through your *ss. Yep, that is exactly how we are going to start with.